Adulthood seems to be above my skill level
I may not react when someone kicks me when I’m down but I also don’t forget.
I know people say they don’t like being an adult, but like when I say it I really, really mean it
My superpower is fucking shit up without even trying.
I’ve made most of my major life decisions using a magic 8-ball and it shows
If Facebook has taught me anything it’s that there is a reason we lose touch with people
I was not made to be subtle...
It's a beer can, not a beer can't.
Women in their 20s are so cute the way they think they’re fat but in actuality they’ll never be this thin again
[Message from stranger]

DM: What state do you live in?

Me: Denial.
If I’m going to hell, I plan to get there my way.
It’s funny how i give advice to some people when i can’t even fix myself.
Having a little break from crippling anxiety to focus on uncontrollable rage today. Mixing it up a bit. Keeping it fresh for myself.
The library doesn’t have a dress-code but I suspect they will by tomorrow
Happy to report my life has been upgraded from “Disaster Zone” to “Recovery Disaster Zone”.
I was born. Then it was all downhill from there.
My face gets puffy and swollen when I cry because obviously Im allergic to emotion.
It’s called Karma.

And it’s pronounced ‘Ha ha fuck you”.
Remember being a kid and thinking grownups had their shit together and knew what they were doing? LMFAO
I may not be perfect but at least I’m humble and ruggedly handsome
You’re entitled to your wrong opinion.
They call it damaged.

I call it otherwise educated.
Sometimes I forget I was raised by wolves.
“Just be yourself.”
Worst fucking advice I ever got.
I was destined for greatness but my alarm didn't go off.
Just relax, you're definitely going to fail. Your real task is to minimize the number of witnesses.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
We don't know for sure that the world doesn't revolve around me.
Make people think you've been chopping onions by thinking about your life.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, keep it up, I like it rough.
I didn’t say I was mature, I said I was old