My heart has a new crack. I’ll get used to it. I always do. I’m just tired of having to.
“I love you A LOT!”, she said threateningly.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Oh my God, look at that face
You look like my next mistake
Wife: I’m going to donate all my spare clothes to the starving

Husband: Anyone who fits into your clothes ain’t starving
Careful, she’s the kind of girl you don’t forget.
What base is it when they tell you:

“I’m not ashamed of you, I’m ashamed of myself for being seen with you.”
Husband rings reception of hotel “send someone up here now! My wife is threatening to jump out the window”
Reception “sir if this is a personal matter, I can’t help you”
Husband “well I can’t get the window open so it is a maintenance issue”
I’ll pay for your therapy after we break up.

-Me flirting.
You know you're hot. I only date women who aren't sure.
You look like Trouble.
I've got time.
Try ghosting me. You’ll find out real quick why people don’t like to get haunted.
Being a parent is sometimes about spending £20 on ice creams and not getting an ice cream.
I’ll tear my heart to pieces
filling all the holes in yours.
I’m gonna fuck you up with my love
I wonder if your bad side will get along with mine.
I hate leftovers or, as I like to call them, sloppy seconds.
You make me happy- i can tell you’re gonna break my heart
If she's 5'4 or under she'll mess you up. It's all the pent up frustration from never being able to reach anything on the top shelf.
She's got those eyes, you know the dangerously inviting ones

The kind you never forget
All my shots are up to date
Me flirting